When did I know-- really know?

So many times. So many signs. Tonight I'm remembering that evening at Alyeska lodge, going down to the hot pool by myself. E went back to Anchorage to spend time with old friends. L stayed in the room. I went down by myself, slipped into the hot tub (not a hot tub, they wouldn't call it that), and our wedding song came on. 

Ryan Adams was my favorite musician for years, until his shitty, misogynist dealings came out. Probably any of his music would've affected me emotionally, since I haven't listened to him in years. But that song. The very one-- Stars Go Blue. 

Everyone else got out, and I was left there alone in the pool, looking out the big window at the pong in front and surrounding forest. I felt sad, I felt utterly alone, and I knew. But it wasn't the first time-- not even close. And not really even the biggest sign.